Of Cards and Weenies
by JoeMerl
Summary: Gretchen is searching for the perfect Valentine's meat to make Dib notice her. But then she comes up with an idea just weird enough to work on him...


Gretchen threw herself down on her bed and covered her face with a pillow, feeling tears well up in her eyes.

On the end of the bed lay a collection of weenies, sausages, steaks and other assorted meats, many of them mangled in her attempts to decorate them with proper Valentine's Day cheer. One said _BE MY VALENTINE, DIB!_ in barbeque sauce, along with a crude picture of the aforementioned boy's head. Another had been covered in ketchup to make it look like a red heart. A third, particularly battered one was covered in glitter with burnt-out sparklers sticking out of it randomly, based on the logic that even if it wasn't that tasty, it would still be nice to look at.

Gretchen sighed deeply, letting her body slump down onto the mattress.

Her mind drifted back to the events of the previous year, causing her stomach to twist into knots.

_Dib didn't seem to be paying much attention as the other students went around the room, passing out their Valentine's meats. He looked, if anything, a bit bored and slightly put-off by the squirrels dancing happily on the outside windowsill. Gretchen approached his desk, smiling cautiously as she laid a Valentine's steak down. When he didn't show much of a reaction, she began to pile more on, as Dib raised his hand._

_"Ms. Bitters? I read that long ago people used to give out cards and candy on Valentine's Day. How did the whole meat thing get started?"_

_Ms. Bitters' eyes narrowed. "You don't wanna know."_

_Gretchen continued to pile on her meats, until an alarm went off. Startled, she had spun around as Ms. Bitters answered the phone and announced that a new student would be joining their class...and then..._

_"Hi! My name's Tak! I'm new here."_

_"Hello, Tak!" the entire class cried._

_"My dad's the head of the Deelishus Weenie Corporation! That was his jet out there, so I brought Valentine's wieners for everyone, ha-ha-ha!"_

_And with that she threw open her backpack, releasing hundreds of weenies into the air. As all the kids dove into the giant pile forming in the room, everybody else's meats---including Gretchen's steaks, grade-A love-beef picked out with care especially for Dib---were quickly forgotten...until later that day, when she saw him sharing one with Tak during recess._

Gretchen carefully wiped a tear from the corner of one eye. She pulled her knees up to her chest, sitting hunched over at the edge of her mattress. She had been trying so hard last year to impress Dib, to make him notice her with the best, most expensive Valentine's meats that she could afford...but that had all been blown away by Tak's gigantic gesture. True, Tak wouldn't be around to ruin things this year---police were still trying to figure out exactly _what_ had happened to her, she seemed to have disappeared off the face of the Earth the last Gretchen had heard---but still, Gretchen still had the deep feeling of dread that this year would be just as abysmal a failure.

She sighed. "There's not a Valentine's meat in the world juicy enough to make Dib notice _me,_" she muttered, making a face. "But then, I guess boys just aren't into that kind of thing anyway." She let out a short, joyless laugh. "Heck, Dib isn't into _anything_ normal. All he cares is about weird things, like aliens and Bigfoot and ghosts and..."

She paused; an idea began to form in her mind.

"But maybe..."

She uncurled from her fetal position, putting one finger slowly to her chin. Could it...maybe. Just maybe...it was weird enough, that was for sure...but _would_ it work?

She considered for just another moment. Then in a rush she launched herself off of her bed, flew across the room and began to gather what she needed to implement her plan.

* * *

"I'll take a half-dozen..." He looked up at the menu board, making a face. "Ugh...'wuv-weenies,' please."

"Here ya go, sweetheart," the large woman behind the butcher's counter said, wrapping up the meats and handing them over to Dib. She had a huge, stupid grin on her face that went well with the equally-stupid pink apron and hat she had on, both adorned with hearts. "A little somethin' for your Valentine, is it?" she added with a wink.

"Yeah, something like that," Dib muttered darkly, laying his money down on the counter before spinning on his heel to leave.

Dib sighed as he stepped out of the store, pulling a weenie from his bag and taking a large bite. Valentine's Day was far from his favorite holiday---that honor definitely went to Christmas, followed closely by Halloween and Isaac Asimov's birthday---and as he got older he was starting to find the holiday cheer more and more irksome. Probably, he admitted, because he was subconsciously getting bitter that he didn't have anything even close to a girlfriend...or a girl that would talk to him...but come on, all the lovey-dovey feelings and tap-dancing chipmunks had to be annoying in and of themselves, right?

Dib shoved the rest of the first weenie into his mouth and pulled out a second one, munching on it as he headed toward the skool. Well, if there _was_ one good thing about Valentine's Day, it was that at least meat went on sale---he had skipped breakfast that morning, and he was smart enough to realize that he wouldn't be getting a lot of Valentine's meats from most of the other kids in his class. They were now getting to the age where the guys would feel awkward giving meats to each other, and at least half of the girls had made it clear they had no intention of giving _anything _to Dib. Probably the only two people Dib could count on for anything were Keef and Zim...and of course the latter meats would be toxic, Zim's computer had accidentally let _that_ plan slip the last time Dib had infiltrated his base. Dib was carrying gloves in his pocket just for touching those, who knew what Zim had done to them, after all...

Dib reached his locker just as he swallowed the fifth of his hot dogs. He was about to shove the last one into his mouth when a voice called out from behind him.

"Dib!"

He turned, blinking. "Oh. Hi, Gretchen," he said, as she came to a panting stop behind him.

"Hey."

There was a brief pause; Gretechen coughed awkwardly. "So, um...it's Valentine's Day today. Just like, you know...in case you forgot or...something."

"Yeah," Dib said a bit moodily as he closed his locker door. "It's not exactly one of my favorite holidays, though."

"Oh." If Dib had been a bit more perceptive, he might have noticed the way Gretchen's face fell at this remark. Then she cleared her throat. "Well...I wanted to see you before class started. I kind of---made something special for you, and I just wanted to...give it to you, and...stuff, so, um...here."

She had pulled something out from behind her back, quickly shoving it into Dib's hands as a pink blush rose in her cheeks. Dib frowned down at the folded piece of pink paper in his hands. "What is it?"

"It's a Valentine's Day card. You know---I kind of remembered what you said in class last year, about how people used to give each other cards and candies and stuff on Valentine's Day, so I---I kind of looked it up online and read about it, and decided to make you one because, well...it seemed like a cool idea and I didn't know how much you liked meats and stuff, and...um...uh..."

At this point her stuttering became so bad she was unable to continue; she turned away, face turning scarlet. Fortunately, Dib seemed too fascinated by the card to notice. He opened it up, reading _Happy Valentine's Day, Dib!_ in messy cursive letters. A small smile slid across his face.

"Wow, Gretchen---this is really neat. It must have been a lot of work."

"Oh, well, no---I mean, all it took was some cutting and gluing, and um---d-do you like it?"

"Yeah! It's a lot more creative than just getting a piece of meat or something. Thanks."

He smiled at her. Gretchen might have fainted, if the smile didn't quickly turn into an awkward frown. Gretchen's face quickly fell again. "Is something wrong?"

"Well, it's just, uh...this is really great, but I didn't really think..." It had suddenly occurred to him that he hadn't thought to buy any Valentine's Day things on the off-chance that someone else actually _was_ nice to him. He looked down at the card in his left hand, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly with his right---when he suddenly remembered that he was holding something in that hand as well.

"I, um---actually got something for you, too," Dib quickly lied, holding out the last of his Valentine's weenies to Gretchen and feeling his pale face start to blush. "It's, um---not quite as original as your card, but, uh...here."

Gretchen reached out slowly and took the weenie from his hand, staring at it in awe. Dib looked away, embarrassed; the weenie was already half-crushed from his grip and slightly nibbled on the top. Some present.

Just then the bell rang. "Well, uh, I gotta go," Dib said quickly, thankful to be free of this awkward moment. "See you in class."

He rushed past her into the mass of children. Gretchen continued to stand there for a moment, staring down at the weenie in her hand. She suddenly let out a sigh, clasping it in both hands to her chest in delight.

"A Valentine's Weenie from Dib," she said, swooning. "This is the happiest Valentine's Day ever."

* * *

This is one of those stories I've had in my head for a long time, just waiting for the holiday season to come out. Hope you all enjoyed it---we need a bit more Dib/Gretch in the world. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Go cuddle up with your love-pig and a nice meaty steak, but first, please give some love to _me_ in the form of a review!

P.S.: This was originally going to be called "The Valentine's Weenie." Which title do you think is better?


End file.
